As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
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“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …