@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

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@ibid78

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@RocketRankoon

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@jackiembouvier

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

@TuSoonShakur

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@ColoChiver

If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.

@yayraptor

interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]