Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

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“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”


[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…


If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.


{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.


Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter


Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.


If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.


interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]