Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.