I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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“What’s this ticket, officer?”
“I didn’t drop trash”
– No. Loitering.
“You talk funny”
– It’s not-
“I’m putting this on Twoiter”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Calling it Quarantine:
Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.