Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Sharon, call the vet
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*frowns in Scottish*
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Google reviews are always so mixed..