Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“HELP WITH CAT”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.