@sweet_pea707

Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?

Him:…

Me: Good answer

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@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

@ashmensch

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

@GrantTanaka

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.