Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”