Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes