Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?