Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Does it…does it take 3 days