ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*offers Batman cough drops*
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.