ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.