Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.