Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them