Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
early stone age tool
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Not all heroes wear capes….
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print