Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
You Might Also Like
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)