Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is