therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.
A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.