Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

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therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas


[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t


[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it


“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.


When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead


Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body


Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.