Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.