Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators