me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.