@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

@ArfMeasures

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@CandyCrisis

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@DanMentos

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence