wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.