Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
english majors be like furthermore
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat