me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color