Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
A drum solo but on your face.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.