“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Politician: Make it a double.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.