@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

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@MattMcC1

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@sonictyrant

me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

@LoveNLunchmeat

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.