ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
dads on road-trips be like
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.