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Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.


I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.


Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.


The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.


Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money


Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”


I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume


So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”