I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: “you hang up”
Her: “no you hang up”
Me: “no you hang up”
Her: “no y-”
Jail clerk: “sir, you only get one phone call.”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.