My favorite horror movie
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
roses are red
tulips are fun
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My son just told me to stop making things up, which is strange because I don’t have kids.
For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”