@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

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@realfunghi

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

@ThugRaccoons

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

@Gentlemenhood

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@GlennyRodge

My son just told me to stop making things up, which is strange because I don’t have kids.

@SallingsSam

For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”