@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

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@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

@Concertina81

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA

@StarksWeek

Me: “you hang up”
Her: “no you hang up”
Me: “no you hang up”
Her: “no y-”
Jail clerk: “sir, you only get one phone call.”

@Jake_Vig

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.