@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

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@fuzzlime

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve