Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.


Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.


Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store


I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.


Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”


I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!


Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.


I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.


Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house