Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.