Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
You Might Also Like
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
😂 amazing answer
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….