*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE