Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.