Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Cause of death: Zumba