Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You Might Also Like
You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind