ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
do what now??
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?