@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

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@DTelf

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

@weinerdog4life

You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@linkindrinkin

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@ruinedpicnic

me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying

@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.