@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

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@Sickayduh

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED

Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

@darksidedeb

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?