Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If only.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*