No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*