@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]

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@ComedyAndTruth

Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”

@robfee

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

@JohnLyonTweets

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*