Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?