ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker