@thedad

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

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@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@TheAlexP

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

@Lisabug74

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*