Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

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“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?


My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.


*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.


creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.


1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*