@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

You Might Also Like

@KevinFarzad

If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@CruisinSoozan

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

@mommajessiec

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever