@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

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@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@Dschnoeb

A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.

@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@MsGreenGoddess

If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.

@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@HaydenKristal

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices