If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever