Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd