Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.