[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Möther may I have a snäck
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.