To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
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*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist