@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

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@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

@Kyle_Lippert

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

@ManiacallySound

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

@elle91

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@notviking

when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo