coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
You Might Also Like
Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo