Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.