Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

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To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*thank you
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
*it’s done


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy



So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?


[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!


My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.


Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”


My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.


Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist