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@FU_TangClan: Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
@pixelatedboat: Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
@clindsaysway: Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I'm drunk?
@NickBossRoss: Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his "accent"
@sonictyrant: Me: i need some decoration for this cake
Store clerk: Icing?
Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?