Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out