Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.