Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.
~family owned restaurants.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.
Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!