Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is