Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.