Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If I ignore life will it go away?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.