@joejwest

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

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@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@funnyortruth

Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”

@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

@daddydoubts

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

@_elvishpresley_

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

@DaddyJew

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor

@HoarseWisperer

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

@Rollinintheseat

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”