@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

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@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

@Lynseyjo1

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

@FknVancouver

My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep

@sageboggs

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@bartandsoul

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

@Tmoney68

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.