Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.