me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.


All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.


I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!


Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.


My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”


“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”


My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.


Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?