me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
😜
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Geez man, take it easy.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
based al yankovic