@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@jameshamblin

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

@IncrediblyRich

All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.

@Shashtagger

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@KaylaKumari

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@AngryRaccoon2

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

@Social_Mime

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?